Merry Christmas

I can't sleep. I think that not being able to sleep when one is tired is the ultimate torture.

Vegas, Baby!!

I've been a little busy with the PC paperwork, but my passport papers are in and my resume and aspiration statement have been emailed. Now, I have to sit and wait for March. And SHOP!! I need to get some stuff, but I feel like I have so much stuff in my life already, how could I possibly find a reason to buy anything more for Morocco. Alas, I would like to have an internal frame backpack. I don't anticipate hiking in Morocco long-term, but I do anticipate hiking around a little after PC. I do need something to take my stuff with me... Convenient. I don't actually have any camping towels, so I'll need those. For anyone who's ever lived with me, I do still have about ten of the 30-40 towels I gathered from lost and found during my lifeguard years. Ahhh... those were the days. LNF towels. I was buying a wedding gift in one of those huge housewares stores once and I had the crazy idea to start my own collection of pure white Egyptian Cotton bath towels, the kind that are like $20 a piece. Then, I decided to join the PC and not start buying more stuff I'd have to turn around and store. When I get back... I'm definitely investing in some nice towels. I might be used to living with my little camp towels, I might feel like all the towels I've left behind are Enough, but I really don't think anything is going to take away my taste for really nice towels. I have a really nice down comforter and really nice sheets, and I really do lie amongst them and sigh on an almost daily basis. I will SO miss them. I really don't think that I'll have that luxury in PC. I appreciate it! I appreciate it!! I also appreciate long, hot showers. I don't know what the availability of those is going to be. That's OK. I'll be OK. My down comforter will be here when I get back. We'll have a long and happy life together. Once more, I'll be able to cuddle you all night long. riiight....

AAAAAA!!!!!!!!

Morocco. March 4th. Hygiene and Sanitation. AAAAAAA!!!!!!! I LOVE THE MAILMAN!!!!! I know why people joke about having the mailman's babies. (Except our mailman is an old guy with white hair and a pot belly. ew.) I am so excited right now I can hardly stand it. There is SO much I have to do. I want to go tomorrow. I want another five months to prepare. I want to be there NOW. Oh man, I thought the application process was a roller-coaster of emotions. I found the packing list on the CD-ROM. There is so much to think about right now, I'm a little overwhelmed. And, I just got off the phone with a friend that I haven't spoken to in a long time. It was a pretty heavy conversation in some ways for me, and I actually got to talk about a lot of things that have been on my mind. It was very therapeutic to bounce my thoughts off someone like him. I needed it. Talking to him about stuff like that always makes me feel better somehow. I feel peaceful right now. And very excited.

Beach Movies

I just watched "Point Break". The beach. The waves. I suck as a surfer, but I have surfed. Oh... I wish I knew what to do with my life. Ok, I do know what I'm doing for the next 2.5 years. I just wish I knew what the rest of it was going to be like. I wish it was easier to go live near the beach. It's totally doable. I can afford to live by myself in So Cal. I just won't be able to get ahead at all. I will be living hand to mouth. I feel so lost sometimes. I feel as if I don't have a home. I have no roots. I am soul-less. I have no history, no definition. I am from nowhere. The places I've loved the best are gone forever, I can never go back. What is it about them that I loved? Maybe it isn't the places themselves, but who I was when I was there. I miss the freedom to ride down the bike path to the beach. I miss exploring the thrift stores on Main Street in Ventura. Thrift stores suck in Utah. Everyone is too cheap to supply them with anything worthwhile. I miss the patterns in the water made by the foam as the waves crash. The mountains covered in snow at night have that same effect on me. It is just so beautiful. There is nothing else like it in the world. I'm going to see more things like that. I'm going to travel around Europe when I'm done with the Peace Corps. I am going to see what else is out there to do and to love. I am not going to do that date, get married, pop out 6 kids by the time I'm 30 kind of a life. I always thought I'd do that. The older I get, the more I don't want to do that. I want a family, but I sure don't want to do it right now. There's too much out there. I'm glad there is so much out there. If I did want it now, I don't think I'd be able to do it anyway. There's something in the mechanism of ME that makes it incredibly hard to let myself get close enough to a man to ever do that. I'm trying to work on that, but the more I explore it, the more complicated it gets. I don't know of any way to tame that part of me except for time. But, then I'm afraid that if I take too much time to fix my broken psyche then it will be too late to have that. But, I know that if I tried right now, I wouldn't be able to make it work. A lonely life is better than hitching my screwed up self to some poor fool. Or bringing kids into a mess like that. I hope that somewhere in the next couple of years I'll find a few more pieces to my puzzle. My patriarchal blessing says that I will be able to find myself if I lose myself in service towards others. There is so much power in empathy. I don't believe that I'm found yet. I hope I can find what I need somehow. I am good at empathy on some levels. I'm still very, very lost. And mail doesn't come on Sunday. I don't know if I can handle going to church today. Going to church these days is more of a reminder of how lost I am than it is of how to get found. I suppose that I'm guaranteed not to get anything out of it if I'm not there.

Bah Humbug

There is still nothing in the mailbox. The next two and a half years of my life are bogged down by holiday cheer.

The Mail Key

The mail key is staring up at me from the table. There hasn't been anything in the mailbox for me all week. OK, a Netflix movie. I have been gently reminded by my best friend that mail is a little slower during the holiday season. I wish the mail would come 5 times a day. It only comes once. I hate that. Does the mail come on Saturdays?

One Wild and Crazy Guy

Whenever I listen to the Beatles I think of my dad. I also have this memory of my mom teaching us to do the twist to "Hard Day's Night" in the living room in the house on Klauber St. Or maybe it was "Eight Days A Week". I remember standing on the couch at one point, and Mom saying that you had to twist your foot around like you were putting out a cigarette. I remember being sort of confused, because I'd never had to put out a cigarette. I guess I figured it out anyway. Pretty much any Beatles song makes me think about my dad, in fact, any Meatloaf song does that, too. I was listening to a lot of Beatles songs once in the car with a friend of mine and after a while he remarked "These are all about love!". All you need is LOVE. He seemed surprised that the Beatles sang songs mostly about love. I'm not sure what he thought they were supposed to be singing about. Maybe he only thought of the Beatles in their later years, with the strange and fascinating psychedelic influence going on. It was funny to me that he was that surprised. Love, Love, Love.... Love, Love, Love.... Love, Love, Love.... There's nothing you can do that can't be done How can anyone not be happy and content listening to that song? I will see to it that my children are exposed properly. It's easy....

Cue the "Jeopardy" theme....

It is Wednesday, the 7th. My invite was sent from DC on the 5th. I know that the possibility is remote that it is now sitting in the cold in my mailbox, but I still want to check. But, the roommates are nowhere or asleep and the mail key is GONE from it's normal spot. It's GONE from its abnormal spots. I want to get some pliers and break into my mailbox, but I think that's a felony of some sort. You can't be in the Peace Corps if you've got a felony conviction. OK, maybe if it was a long time ago. But, I sure wouldn't be leaving in March if I broke into the mailbox tonight. I wish I was at work. Then I would at least have other things to stress out about. I am really not going to miss all those nights of staring at my fetal heartbeat tracing with a knot of stress in my belly along with the Footlong Corndog from Hell. (Just typing that makes my stomach turn.)

Update Update Update

Soooo.... the website AND a phone call to my Placement Officer have made it official. An invite was sent to me on Dec. 5th from DC. I have to reply within 10 days whether I want to accept it or not. My PO just said that it was for March.... I think it's gonna be Morocco!!! Now I just have to wait patiently for a few days.... riiight.

Leaving Behind:

One of the people I will miss the most. I won't be there to see the third and fourth year of her cuteness.

Update Update

The little circles next to Dental, Legal, and Medical Clearances are checked on my Peace Corps Nominee Toolkit!!!!! (That apparently means those sections have been completed.) There is nothing checked by the "Placement" circle, but it also says that "There are no placement holds on your account at this time." hee hee hee...... I'm a little giddy!!!!

Peace Corps Update

I called my screening nurse this morning 8:30am my time and left a voice mail wondering what my clearance status was. I tried to wait up to see if she'd call back, but I fell asleep. I woke up to my phone buzzing around 3pm, but it was work. I let it ring. I did have a message from my screening nurse saying that she got my doctor's note about Accutane, and all she needed was the name of the doctor who gave me my actual physical, and I'd be done. I'm not sure why that info isn't already there. There's a printed name and a signature from my doctor, but I called and left a message anyway. The offices are in DC, so I'm sure that it won't get listened to until Monday, but I believe that I will be getting medically cleared by the end of business on Monday. eeee!!!!!! I might have an invite in the mail next week!! I don't think I'll have any trouble with my legal clearance. I hear that medical is the most lengthy clearance to get. I wish I'd woken up to my PC phone call. Darn the need for deep REM cycles! I wish it wasn't Saturday today. I wish I didn't have to work on Monday night. I'll probably still call on Monday morning to see what I've got left. P.S. Last night my FAVORITE doctor made a comment to the nurse he delivered with that "At least this time" he got to deliver the baby. I want to scream again...... And, I'm over it.

Annngryyyyyy.....

rrrrrrrr...... I just got home from work and I'm staying up so I can do my yoga show because I don't think I could sleep if I tried, and I need it to calm down. One of the last things I said before I left work today was something about shoving something up a certain doctor's ASS. And also something about castrating him in his sleep. I'm ok. I just need to wind down. Delivering a 32 week baby by myself and then getting ASSHOLE-Y remarks from the doctor about it gets me a little riled up at 5:30 in the am. I'm ok. I'll stop swearing soon. I'll go eat some breakfast/dinner/whatever, and go pee. I'll be fine. I'll ignore the fact that he made the other nurse CRY because he was in a bad mood. I'll ignore the fact that he RUDELY instructed me to stop talking while I was comforting the patient so he could ask her what sort of pain medication she normally takes. I think perhaps DELIVERING THE PLACENTA STILL HANGING OUT OF HER and apologizing for missing the delivery when you were SLOWLY MOSEYING OFF THE ELEVATOR FROM THE SLEEP ROOM DOWNSTAIRS would have been more appropriate than asking her if she has ever taken Lortab before. That would have been a more useful and less ASSHOLE-Y way to conduct yourself, I think. I would've gladly finished the delivery that I had to start if he hadn't just told me to "Just stop, stop that. Cease and desist. Now get her cleaned up for me. Get those sheets out of the way, get the bottom of the bed out." I'll ignore the fact that he made a smart comment to us out at the nurse's station about how sad it was to work with a patient for so long (two whole weeks) and then have to miss the delivery. I pity his spouse. I shudder to think he has produced offspring. I need to stop writing now because I think it's making me more mad. Thank you, Skye. You did a great job. I'm sorry I missed that delivery. I'll go get a vasectomy now. And, I'll give up my medical practice and stop terrorizing the public. That's what I want for Christmas.