Beach Movies

I just watched "Point Break". The beach. The waves. I suck as a surfer, but I have surfed. Oh... I wish I knew what to do with my life. Ok, I do know what I'm doing for the next 2.5 years. I just wish I knew what the rest of it was going to be like. I wish it was easier to go live near the beach. It's totally doable. I can afford to live by myself in So Cal. I just won't be able to get ahead at all. I will be living hand to mouth. I feel so lost sometimes. I feel as if I don't have a home. I have no roots. I am soul-less. I have no history, no definition. I am from nowhere. The places I've loved the best are gone forever, I can never go back. What is it about them that I loved? Maybe it isn't the places themselves, but who I was when I was there. I miss the freedom to ride down the bike path to the beach. I miss exploring the thrift stores on Main Street in Ventura. Thrift stores suck in Utah. Everyone is too cheap to supply them with anything worthwhile. I miss the patterns in the water made by the foam as the waves crash. The mountains covered in snow at night have that same effect on me. It is just so beautiful. There is nothing else like it in the world. I'm going to see more things like that. I'm going to travel around Europe when I'm done with the Peace Corps. I am going to see what else is out there to do and to love. I am not going to do that date, get married, pop out 6 kids by the time I'm 30 kind of a life. I always thought I'd do that. The older I get, the more I don't want to do that. I want a family, but I sure don't want to do it right now. There's too much out there. I'm glad there is so much out there. If I did want it now, I don't think I'd be able to do it anyway. There's something in the mechanism of ME that makes it incredibly hard to let myself get close enough to a man to ever do that. I'm trying to work on that, but the more I explore it, the more complicated it gets. I don't know of any way to tame that part of me except for time. But, then I'm afraid that if I take too much time to fix my broken psyche then it will be too late to have that. But, I know that if I tried right now, I wouldn't be able to make it work. A lonely life is better than hitching my screwed up self to some poor fool. Or bringing kids into a mess like that. I hope that somewhere in the next couple of years I'll find a few more pieces to my puzzle. My patriarchal blessing says that I will be able to find myself if I lose myself in service towards others. There is so much power in empathy. I don't believe that I'm found yet. I hope I can find what I need somehow. I am good at empathy on some levels. I'm still very, very lost. And mail doesn't come on Sunday. I don't know if I can handle going to church today. Going to church these days is more of a reminder of how lost I am than it is of how to get found. I suppose that I'm guaranteed not to get anything out of it if I'm not there.