5 am Musings

Sooo.... I have my cell phone back!! Yaaayyy!!! I am thoroughly enjoying my weekend off. I went to "Walk the Line" on Friday. It was excellent! I sent in my last bit of paperwork for Medical Clearance this week. I just realized that next week is Thanksgiving, so the US government is probably not going to be getting to my humble little doctor's note before that. Soooo... I'll probably call and bug them in a couple of weeks, if I don't get any email updates. I've been perusing the websites of Morocco Volunteers and I'm getting excited. I'm also getting very nervous to tell my coworkers. I was very excited to tell my friends and family, but I don't expect everyone at work to be happy I'm leaving or to understand what I'm doing. Well, my manager told me that she wished she was able to do something like this, but she couldn't because she had a family. Maybe everyone else will think it's cool, too. Maybe they won't stone me for lying to them about it for so long. I am going to miss my job so much. I get very sad at work sometimes, just for a moment, when I realize that I'm probably not going to do this anymore. I'm not sure of my plans for post PC. I think I really need to get out of UT. I kind of want to be closer to Dawn, but I don't know about living in Klamath Falls. They do have a nursing program at the college there. I can get a job anywhere. Maybe I'll decide to stay in Morocco forever. Maybe I'll change my mind and go to law school. Sometimes I think I'd make a good lawyer. I can be pretty hard nosed if I want to. I'd have to wear suits all the time, though. Pantyhose. Do my hair. I'd probably have a very hard time doing lawyering and motherhood. It's hard to be a stay at home mom when you have to go to an office 9-5. That's all just assuming I actually have the desire to date ever again. I can't really think of any torture greater than going on dates with people I barely know. You have to look "acceptable", without looking too hot. If you're too hot, then they either turn into stalkers or get stuck gazing at your rear and their brain shuts down and there isn't anything else about you that is worth noticing. You have to eat enough not to be put in the category of "stupid woman who's entire focus is her weight" but you can't ever be full and stop eating after claiming to not be one of those women. Then there's the movie, which both of you will go to and one of you will hate and the other one will love and gush about. Then, one will think the other is in idiot and has no appreciation for real cinema, or the other will cringe at the thought of spending the rest of her life going to movies with someone who thought "National Treasure" was NOT AT ALL predictable and mind-numbing. And then there's the cologne. Bug spray. Yesterday at the grocery store I happened across those "Axe Body Washes" that have all those commercials featuring drooling long-limbed boob racks fawning all over the guys who use the aforementioned body wash. I smelled them all. Each was more offensive than the last. The last one actually made me grimace. I wish some French-cuffed, bleach-tipped man would've walked up to purchase some of the magic babe serum and seen the true reaction of a babe to that stench. Bug spray. I suppose there are women out there who like a man to smell "good". I think men smell "good" the majority of the time as long as they've showered in the past 72 hours. I think cologne shouldn't be noticed by someone unless they are within hugging range. And then, it shouldn't be something you can buy next to the Q-tips at the supermarket. Enough of that tirade, I suppose. It is Sunday, and I'll be going to church today. I'll try not to sit by my engaged roommate, as she is rather annoying. Her Future Eternal Companion is the Executive Secretary, otherwise she'd be glued to his side throughout the three hour block. She feels the need to be glued to my side, as I am the "inactive" one because I don't go to church every week. I suppose by definition she is right. I just really hate being someone's project. I just try to get up to the bathroom and then come back too late to find my way to my old seat once class has started. I know she means well, but I just don't like to sit next to someone who is being my friend out of a sense of pity and obligation. It doesn't help me to feel the spirit. I enjoy sitting alone in church because I can think about what is being said. I also enjoy going to the temple alone because I can think more clearly. Spirituality is such a personal thing to me. I can't understand people who have to have someone to talk it all over with. I enjoy talking about spiritual things, but I don't feel the need to. It doesn't matter to me what anyone else thinks about my testimony. It is between me and God. If I am struggling, it isn't anyone else's soul on the line. It's mine, and if I don't want to share then people should respect that. I guess that goes against the idea of fellowshipping others, and feeding the sheep. What if the sheep want to be left alone? Maybe I do need other people in my spiritual life. I used to love to talk about spiritual things with my friends. I guess I've just gotten less sure of it all and I don't feel like I've got any answers for anyone. I barely have any answers for myself these days. Man, these posts are getting more and more melancholy as I go on. I'm just trying to be honest, and it really feels good to get it all out there.